Weakness

"Mom?" she yells as the front door begins to crack and I answer as the golden heads return from another day of middle school.
"Oh, shoot. I know this sounds terrible, but I was hoping you wouldn't be here." Hoping for a post-it on the table that says, "At the hospital," she can't hardly wait to meet her new baby brother or sister. And yet, here I sit. And wait.
Why do we often question God and lack confidence in His provision for us?

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19. 

Right now, I'm sick and tired of waiting. Of holding every plan loosely. Of disappointing the others in this family who can't wait to meet our newest member face to face rather than by the twitch of my abdomen. Of wondering what to fill my day with while I wait for either the contractions to sustain or one of them to break my "water."
A wise friend once told me that in her opinion, she needed a little more to be well supplied but turned right around to say, "However, it is quite possible our Lord thinks we are good for now. He's always right. Wonder why I keep arguing!"
As I laid in bed last night, my mind racing with possible to-do lists during the wait, I stubbornly agreed that God thinks I might be good for now. However, I'm confident that two-minutes later, I took it back and argued that I really wasn't well supplied and won't be until this baby is in my arms.
This is my weakness; I hate to admit it. I want to be that radiant face of unwavering trust in my Lord God, who holds steady as a rock. It's so easy to think we should be stronger and more trusting, but in truth: trust is hard.
As I listened on the phone, I wanted to point out the obvious. She was lacking trust in God's provision for her. She teared up as she explained, God is good and life is good but it's not how she expects goodness to look. I wanted to scream that God is providing for you, why are you not seeing it as His good, sufficient provision?
Somewhere in my insomnia wrestle with Jesus, my own hypocrisy became as evident as neon lights. I have the exact same weakness. When will I quit arguing with what my Lord says is enough?

For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10b

A week or so ago, when I first realized that I was irritable and unsettled, I took some extra time when I felt physically refreshed to contemplate the root of my actions. You know, "Search me and know my heart, and show me if there be any grievous way in me," from Psalm 139:23-24. About half cup of coffee later was when I first came to realize that I was sick of waiting to meet this little one. I wanted baby in my arms sooner than later. My time, not God's time.
Pinpointing the root of an unsettledness is hard work, time consuming and contemplative. Essentially, you're choosing to stare your own sin in the face, confess it and then ask for God's power to destroy it and walk away from the sin.
I chose to take the next step which is is no small fry either. It's humiliating: choosing to admit your sin to others and ask them to pray for you. I asked three trusted friends to pray that I would wait well. I admitted my weakness and asked for God's help and provision. By the time I went to bed that same night,  I realized I had a different demeanor. I felt calm, content and peaceful. Truly, God's power in me was overcoming my own weakness.
This is the truth of 2 Corinthians. We are absolutely powerless weaklings but this is to show off God as more glorious. When we admit, we got nothin', God can step in and be the hero. He has placed His power within us and and works in us to supply us physically, emotionally and spiritually. Because we've admitted our powerlessness, everyone knows it's God's power providing and working in us and He gets the fame.
Days later, I'm still teeter-tottering trusting God's timing of baby's arrival and arguing with Him about my own timing. I'm still admitting my powerlessness to wait well and begging for His power in me.
Don't lie. You're reading this, likely judging me for not being patient to wait for God's timing of our baby taking first breath. I would be if someone else was writing this. "What's the big deal? No baby has ever not eventually come out of utero. Just wait." But what if you took a cup of coffee to sit quietly with your Lord God as asked him to show you your distrust, discontentment and lack of faith in what He's already supplied for you? I challenge you to get your Caribou (or Folgers if that's your thing) and get serious with God. Then join me in admitting your weak spot and knowing that God will be the hero as He works brilliantly within you.

Wonder

I was thrilled to be the guest reader in her classroom. Eyes sparkling as she walked through the room, she was clearly excited to show off her mom. I had the privilege of reading We Are All Wonders by R.J. Palacio, a picture book that compliments the chapter book, Wonder, that their class is storming through to finish before the movie is released Friday. The chapter book carries a strong anti-bullying message and the picture book a message that we're all amazing people just as we are. This is great literature for any age!
Fast forward a day as I exchange texts with a new dear friend updating each other on prayer requests and reports. As I continued to pray for this friend and her family, I praised God for her son's smile. After a rough day, she reported he smiled: one of the few ways he is able to communicate. As usual, this young man was a trooper in the midst of difficult circumstances. I thought about the books being read in this young classroom and I thought, "Her son is a wonder!" Truthfully, we really are all wonders! All the quirks that make us unique (and believe me, in a household of five, I see we've all got 'em..myself mostly) make us marvelously unique and special beings.
And then my thoughts drop 24 inches to the little one kicking and squirming in my womb, whom we cannot hardly wait to meet face to face. We are fully convinced that this child is a wonder even though we've never laid an eye on him or her.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:13-14

Wonder is used twice in these verses. First to describe mankind. Second to describe God. The original Hebrew words are similar but not the same. Translated, "wonderfully made," into English is a verb that means to be created with a difference, to be shown marvelous, to be set apart, to be illustrious. This is how God made us; different from the rest of creation. And each man and woman is different and magnificent according to God's perfection decision and He made man and woman set apart perfectly in His image (Genesis 1:27).
We are set apart and made wonderfully because He is set apart and made us to be like him. The next "wonderful in this verse describes God's active work. This verb, "wonderful" describes God's work and He is more marvelous than we and set apart from any other god because He is creating and sustaining the world while also supporting His people. This is beyond anything man could do. Indeed for man to do it would be impossible. Yet He does it and proves Himself 100% marvelous.
Why do I more easily see the wonder of a person with extreme disabilities, daily physical obstacles or a newborn baby than the wonder of my neighbor or myself? I tend to see my own life as average, not a wonder. I see my goldenhead's lives as typical. The engineer's life and its tasks as challenging. And lately, talking with grandpa, I find myself questioning the Wonderful God's purpose for not calling grandpa home to be with grandma in heaven. Yet God set every man, woman and child, no matter how young or old, apart as a wonder and has a marvelous plan for each moment of our lives.

Will we choose to believe it? Will we stop trying to change who we are to become more significant and believe that our original design is marvelous? I don't mean to let ourselves waste away but to realize God gave us our quirks and unique characteristics for His Wonderful purpose. Start by believing this about yourself. Then ask God to let you believe it about your neighbor, co-worker, spouse or child.

Hiding

And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. Genesis 3:8

Relationships are destroyed when we hide. It could be easy to read this verse in Genesis and think, Well, that's silly! You can't hide from God, He sees everything. What were Adam and Eve thinking? But how often do we brush the reality of our sin under a rug and hope God won't deal with it or allow consequence for our sin? And further, how true is this in our interpersonal relationships? Relational intimacy is destroyed when we stop being transparent in our relationships. It happened first in the garden with God and mankind because they were afraid of God (Genesis 3:10).
If a glass jar represented your life, you would have the choice whether or not to let those around you look straight into the jar or to place something around the jar and obstruct other's view into your jar. At a low point in our marriage, the engineer accused me of hiding from him, literally. I was ashamed to be seen by my husband. This was both a physical and and emotional fear and was one of many factors that led to the deterioration of our relationship. When he first pointed this out to me, I denied it. But it was the truth. I had to consciously choose transparency, letting him see inside my jar, both literally and figuratively in order to restore our relationship.
Recently, I became both ugly and confrontational to my compassionate teen who tends to be a picky and inconsistent eater. She had chosen the path of transparency to say she didn't like what I had prepared for her breakfast and instead of grace, I reacted with anger and defensiveness. She had rightly chosen transparency; I chose to not accept and judge her preferences. Later the same day, when she heard that she would be getting a fluoride treatment at the dentist, she (again transparent) chose to wear her anxiety and fear all over her face. I saw straight into her jar. The good in choosing this transparency is that I can respond in grace and pray for her courage and strength. (Though it baffles me how a girl who can't wait to gut a deer with her dad is freaked about a clear substance being smeared across her teeth.) What a gift transparency can be in preserving and restoring a relationship! If she would have stuffed her anxiety inside, I would not have had the privilege of being bonded together with her through prayer.
There is a need to consistently apply transparency to my relationship with Jesus. To be honest, to intentionally search my heart for ways I may have offended, disobeyed or been unfaithful to Him and His ways and then tried to cover the outside of my jar. How often, instead of pulling back the cover from my jar by confessing my sin, experiencing forgiveness and grace in my weakness, do I choose to try forget about it, turn a blind eye or even make excuses (justify) my wrong doing? In doing so, I reject His forgiveness of my sin and His gracious, sufficient power to combat my sinful habits. In essence, I'm just like Adam and Eve, hiding in the garden from God. A relationship spend hiding from someone is no relationship at all. I must consciously choose let God see all that's in my jar.
When was the last time you stopped to look at your life and confess areas you may have been trying to hide from God? In what personal relationship are you withholding truth and honesty? Will you choose to be transparent with God and others?